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Diamond Paws
Once upon a time, there was a woman who cried wolf.
This is her story, in three acts, as told by the Akron police and fire dispatcher's 911 tape.
Cast of characters:
Woman: Age 34, owner of a dog named Foxy. Calm-voiced and seemingly rational.
Dispatcher: Unflappably professional and firm throughout.
Boy: The woman's 11-year-old son.
Dog: In labor (not a speaking role).
Our story begins at 11:44 p.m. last Friday.
Act 1:
Dispatcher: Akron 911. What's your emergency?
Woman: Uh, 911 -- Could you please call my fire department? My dog is 10 months old and she's trying to pass these babies.
Dispatcher: Ma'am, the fire department only comes out for people emergencies.
(Voice in background: ``She's passed one.'')
Woman (to dispatcher): She's passed one.
Dispatcher: Ma'am, the fire department only comes out on people emergencies.
Woman: OK, could you just call 'em and ask 'em if they're not doing nothing to please come out here, 'cause she's trying to pass these dogs.
Dispatcher: Ma'am, they won't come out for that.
Woman: Yes they will.
Dispatcher: No they won't.
Woman: Yes they will.
Dispatcher: Ma'am, we do not come out for that.
Woman: OK.
Dispatcher: OK?
Click.
Act 2 (a few minutes later):
Dispatcher: Akron 911. What's your emergency?
Boy: My mom's havin' a baby.
Dispatcher: Your mom's having a baby? Or your dog's having a baby? Which is it?
Boy: I mean, my dog, my dog. (Laughing) I call her ``mom'' all the time.
Dispatcher:
You call your dog ``mom'' all the time?
Boy: Uh-huh.
Dispatcher: OK, well I told whoever called here last time, we do not come out for that. OK, making a false call to the fire department will send you nothing but the police. OK? . . . Nobody is going to come out for puppies.
Boy: Please.
Dispatcher: How old are you?
Boy: Eleven. She looks like she's in pain.
Dispatcher: Where's your mother?
Boy: Right here.
Dispatcher: Let me talk to her.
Pause. Click.
Act 3 (a few minutes later):
Dispatcher: Akron 911 --
Woman: Um, can I have a paramedic to (address withheld)?
Dispatcher: What for?
Woman: My son's having a seizure.
Dispatcher: Is this about those puppies?
Woman: No, no. My son's having a seizure. My dog is trying to deliver puppies and my son had a seizure.
Dispatcher: So the dog had the puppies?
Woman: No, no. The dog's still having the damn puppies. OK? Thank you. Thank you.
Dispatcher: All right. Bye.
Click.
Paramedics and police arrive shortly thereafter.
The paramedics have very little to do, as the dog is delivering her litter in the time-honored way.
The police, on the other hand, write the woman up for making a false alarm.
And that would be finis, except that her shaggy-dog story has become the unexpected hit of the summer.
It's finding its way onto stages across the land, as radio and TV stations from near (Cleveland) and far (California) have called the Akron police this week, asking for a copy of the tape. A Web site that latches onto such silly news stories has picked up on it, and, no doubt, the recording has morning radio crews guffawing in their coffee.
So, what does Foxy's owner do for an encore?
We'll find out. She'll be in court tomorrow.
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